


Hey Moon

by Audanthony, sass_play



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Non AU, Ryden, Sexy Time, Smut, lots of smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2016-03-02
Packaged: 2018-04-20 17:06:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4795409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Audanthony/pseuds/Audanthony, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sass_play/pseuds/sass_play
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When love goes bad, can the past be forgiven?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_‘Calm the fuck down, it’s just a party’,_ Ryan keeps repeating to himself as he tries to button his shirt with shaking fingers. Although he keeps telling himself that this party wasn’t a big deal, it really was. It’s Pete Wentz’s birthday pool party and to make things even worse, Ryan had heard that Brendon was going to be there.

“Brendon”, he says aloud to no one. Just saying his name was Ryan more nervous. All the good times they had together and all the very, very bad times come rushing into his mind. His apartment was feeling larger than usual and colder. He didn’t mind being alone but sometimes he just wanted someone else with him.

_‘I need a fucking drink’_ , Ryan thinks as he walked into his kitchen and opens his refrigerator revealing a few old take-out boxes with not much else. As he opens the refrigerator, the blinding light sharply contrasts the overlay of his ever-darkening apartment. A layer of dust settling slowly on pieces of furniture that he once had cared for so much. With a sigh, he rustles behind the take-out boxes, finding what he was looking for, a six-pack of beer. He pops one open, leans his back against the cool counter and downs it. Chasing the vastness of space, wanting to be able to hear the echo of his own voice in his head, so he opens another.

A ding pulls his attention from his own inner reality. _‘You’re still coming tonight, right?’_ Ryan rolls his eyes in response to Pete’s text, noticing how his eyes don’t feel like they’re quite attached. _‘Yeah,’_ his numbing fingers text in reply.

In the back of a cab, the musty stench drags him back to the memories of being stuck on a tour bus for days on end with unbathed men. He allows the memories of the band and Brendon to creep into his consciousness. He leans against the chilly cab window and closes his eyes.

 

**************************************************************************************************************  
**   


On tour for months at a time, the long, lonely nights would sometimes become unbearable. Brendon and Ryan would find comfort in each other’s arms. The first time, they chalked it up to experimentation, but it quickly became routine.

They never had a serious relationship, Brendon wouldn’t have that no matter how much Ryan wanted it. They would just casually fuck on tour when they were alone or they were drunk, but nothing more. After a good show, with adrenaline and endorphins pumping through their bodies, it was hard not feel aroused. It was essentially a friends-with-benefits relationship, with lots of benefits. Brendon’s perfect mouth wasn’t just good for his singing voice.

However, no matter how great the sex was, Ryan wanted an emotional relationship with Brendon. Brendon was fine with pretending they were in love during interviews because he knew how the fans were going to react and the press they were going to receive, but to really come out and have a relationship with a fellow band member was a huge no-no for him. Even though it was public knowledge that Brendon had experimented with men, he would never come out as gay. He was the front-man of Panic! at the Disco and he had a lot to lose if the fans weren’t receptive to the Ryden relationship being real.

Brendon was never consistent with what he wanted. Sometimes he’d threw Ryan away like trash and other times he’d beg and plead to stay with him. For instance, on Ryan’s 21st birthday. Ryan flew all the way to Seattle on his birthday, his birthday, just to see Brendon who had confessed his chaste love for the birthday boy and Brendon wanted to give Ryan a very special birthday present.

Nothing was quite the same though after Ryan realized that Brendon wouldn’t be in an actual relationship with him. The band became strained and divided. No one seemed to get along and it was all because of the casual fuck sessions Ryan and Brendon shared. When the band split up, it tore Ryan in half. It hurt him down to his fucking core. It hurt him seeing the fans upset; even though he wanted with his entire being to tell them the real reason for the split, but Ryan loved Brendon too much to put him through that. ‘Creative differences’ was the excuse given for the split.

 


	2. Unexpected Encounter

The party is already in full swing when Ryan finally arrives. Joe meets him at the door and Ryan says hi to a few people he recognizes on his search to find Pete. Ryan approaches the sliding glass doors onto the patio, the blasting music causing the glass to shake. He spots the birthday boy on a raft in the middle of the pool with a beer in hand, screaming along to the music.

“Pete! Happy birthday motherfucker!” Ryan yells over the music and people. Pete simply smiles and raises his beer towards Ryan. With that, Ryan walks back inside to find the bathroom, all his pre-gaming has finally hit his bladder. After climbing a flight of stairs littered with drunk people, he finally finds the bathroom. He goes to open the door and the second his hand lands on the handle, the door flies open, colliding with him.

“Oh shit, man sorry!” the person exclaims, taken aback as much as Ryan.

“Don’t worry ab—oh hi,” Ryan utters, making eye contact with the man. His heart sinks at first sight. ‘No,’ he thinks, ‘I didn’t want to see him.’

“Ryan? Oh wow! How are you?” Brendon questions more out of politeness than actual concern.

“Uh, fine, I guess. How about you? Is Sarah here?” Ryan mumbles in reply, avoiding eye contact with Brendon. He couldn’t give a shit about Sarah or whether she was here or even alive for that matter. He wasn’t going to make a scene even though they were alone, standing awkwardly in the bathroom door frame.

“Well, you know, I’m good. Tired from the tour, but I’m glad to be back for awhile. Sarah’s here, yeah. She’s really happy I’m back, she says she misses me when I’m gone”, Brendon answers leaning against the still ajar door.

 “Good, good,” Ryan is stumped at how to keep the conversation going. It feels so awkward. He hates awkward situations because he always ends up making them worse. He has really nothing to say to Brendon. Ryan’s heart was ripped out and there’s nothing that will be able to be done to make amends for their relationship. “Well,” Ryan says looking past Brendon into the bathroom.

“Right, sorry. I won’t keep you from your business,” he chuckles to himself, “It was good to see you man, honest.” Brendon smiles earnestly at Ryan and heads towards the stairs.

‘ _Did he really mean that? No don’t be fucking stupid, of course he didn’t,’_ Ryan says as he shuffles into the bathroom and closes the door behind him. _‘Now I have a really good excuse to start drinking.'_

******************************************************************************************************

“Excuse me, I’m just trying to get through,” Ryan says to some very drunk people standing in a tight doorway. They look at him with a disgusted look on their faces as if by asking them to move out of the way for three seconds, he offended their ancestors and their religion. ‘Jesus fucking Christ. I need to get a fucking drink before I choke someone out.”

Finally making it to the kitchen, Ryan makes himself a hard drink. It’s mostly liquor with a touch of something sweet, but it still burns like hell going down his throat. He downs it and makes himself another, and he repeats the process until he realizes that he drank half of the liquor in the bottle. He can’t believe that he feels this shitty and in such need of a drink after seeing Brendon for all of five minutes. He sways a little on his feet as he looks around for another bottle, but all the others are nearing the bottom, too.

Ryan feels a slight touch on his back and jumps at the contact. He turns to see who the touch belongs to, to find Sarah. ‘Great. Just who I wanted to see now,’ Ryan thought. She smiles at him with concern, “Whoa, Ryan. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to frighten you. You’re going pretty hard on that booze there; you might want to leave some for the rest of us,” she says trying to keep the worry light by making a joke. During this short exchange, Zack walks into the kitchen and stands behind Sarah. Even this drunk, Ryan notices how close he is to her and mentally cocks an eyebrow.

 “Damn kid. You’re a thirsty fucker,” Zack comments lacking Sarah’s fake concern. “I better go get some more before someone else needs a drink.” Zack lightly touches the small of Sarah’s back, but at the moment Ryan is staring at the remaining liquid in his cup, entranced.

Sarah’s eyes widen at the contact and says, a little too excitedly, “Oh, I’ll go with you.” With that the two turn and head out, bumping into each other’s arms as they walk.

Once they leave, Ryan feels a rush of self-consciousness creep into his mind and decides he probably doesn’t look good standing in the kitchen alone, drinking himself numb. He wanders through people dancing terribly off-beat. From the ear-pounding music, he enters the quieter living room with only one other person sleeping on one of the couches.Ryan takes the red-striped, plush couch opposite and sits down with a sigh. _‘What am I still even doing here?’_ he asks himself.

********************************************************************************************************  
** **

The music in the other parts of the house is only a faint bass line, eating away at the overly polished floors of Pete’s home. Ryan thinks how he must be just as unnoticeable as most bass guitars in melodies. Lost in this thought is when he feels the couch sink down next to him. Ryan could peg those skinny jeans anywhere and those chocolate brown eyes.Those eyes, they’re just beautiful enough to suck you into their vortex, but deadly enough to break your heart.

“Hey,” Brendon looks a little hazy thanks to all the liquor running through Ryan’s veins, but there is undoubtedly still a spark. He feels it ignite even after it had been blown out so many years ago.

“Heeeey,” Ryan didn’t mean for it to come out so ridiculously, but he has no control of his words, they are running away from him no matter how hard he tries to concentrate on their execution.


	3. Oh¿

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stuff goes down

“You alright, dude? You look a little fucked?” Ryan laughs at Brendon’s concern.

Ryan grumbles, “Yeah, that’s my problem I am always completely and utterly fucked,” Is that hurt that Ryan sees flash across Brendon’s face? It can’t be. Brendon feels nothing for Ryan. He made that clear on that foggy beach in South Africa where he left Ryan with nothing but a splitter through his heart.

“Right, so have you seen Sarah?” Brendon asks almost carefully like Ryan might break into a million pieces right in front of him.

“Um yeah. Actually, I think her and Zack went somewhere or something,” Ryan’s head feels to big for his shoulders, so heavy it might break his neck. Brendon only responds with a sigh and a vague look of concern. Ryan realizes that his mind is suddenly wonderfully numb. He doesn’t care that Brendon is only inches from him. He actually couldn’t even remember what his own face feels like, he is so gloriously numb.

During this realization of numbness is when he feels something strange, but yet, somewhat familiar like déjà vu. Lips. There are lips on his. Soft, familiar lips. Brendon’s lips. Stumbling back into reality smacks him violently in the face. Ryan pushes with every pathetic ounce of strength left in his vodka-fueled body, “WHAT THE FUCK, BRENDON!”

_‘That could not have just happened. Why would Brendon kiss me? He’s married. He’s in love. He’s the all impenetrable Brendon Urie. What’s happening?’_ Ryan suddenly feels the burn of vomit rising in his throat and a wave of nausea crashing into every cell in his body. _‘I’ve got to get the fuck out of here,’_ Ryan stands while pushing Brendon fiercely against Pete’s couch, making a run for the guest room he once stayed in years ago when Panic! first made their LA debut.

When he arrives at his retreat he reaches for the knob, realizing his clouded, drunken vision is presenting him with three knobs. “Goddamn it,” the door finally clicks open and Ryan is thankful to see the room is vacant. One, two, trip, stumble, bed. Ryan’s body hits the mattress with more force than he originally intended. The nausea is still creeping in his throat. _‘Fuck, please don’t throw up, please don’t throw up,’_ Ryan jolts out of his pleading with the vodka gods to the sound of the door once again clicking open. _‘Damn it, I forgot to lock it,’_ With a grumble and a voice so raspy it didn’t even sound like his own he yells, “Someone is using this room, fuck off!” No one responds to his rude demand so he assumes they did just as he suggested.

“Ryan?” Ryan’s eyes widen at the sound of his ex-lovers voice.

_‘Why are you doing this to me?’_ Ryan questions in his head.

“Brendon, please just go away. Find your wife,” Great, now he has resorted to begging.

“Look I’m sorry. If I knew you would react that way, I would have never tried kissing you,” Brendon says it as though Ryan was the one who acted strangely.

Ryan is about to demand for Brendon to explain how exactly he is supposed to act when the man he had loved, and if he was being honest with himself, still loved, tries kissing him after years of not speaking, but he is suddenly lost for words. It just hurts to much and the alcohol is taking away any fight he had left.

The bed shifts and suddenly there is touch on Ryan’s cheek so light that he had to question himself if it had even occurred.

“I don’t like it,” Brendon says as he pulls his hand away from Ryan’s growing beard.

“Oh,” is all Ryan can muster. Brendon’s eyes bore into him so deep that Ryan realized he is holding his breath. That’s when the same light touch as before caressed him, only this time, the touch was on Ryan’s arm. Brendon’s calloused fingers ran up and down Ryan’s arm, but Brendon’s eyes never left Ryan’s.

Brendon’s hands flutter swiftly to Ryan’s pants. With nimble fingers, Brendon starts unbuckling Ryan’s jeans.

_‘This shouldn’t be happening. I should really stop this,’_ Ryan thinks to himself, but is rendered unable to move by the tidal wave of liquor buzzing through his consciousness.

Brendon takes Ryan’s immobility as a sign that the sins are all forgiven. Brendon pulls Ryan’s jeans down revealing plaid boxers that have been well-worn. Kneeling between Ryan’s somewhat spread legs, Brendon pushes Ryan’s knees out even more allowing him more access to Ryan’s cock.

_‘I should be enjoying this,’_ Ryan thinks to himself, but all he can think about at the moment is Brendon’s back as he’s retreated away from Ryan back in Cape Town.

Brendon gingerly reaches for Ryan in his boxers. However, Ryan has not risen to the occasion, both too distracted by the past and by the liquor. Brendon palms Ryan’s soft cock. A cold sweat rushes over Ryan’s body as a twinge of blush sneaks onto his cheeks.

**“Brendon, I can’t.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya guys! We're going to be posting a new chapter each week  
> We have the next three chapters written and we want to post them so badly but we like to keep you guys in suspense (sorry) (i do it out of love)


	4. This Misery Doesn't Have Company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovelies!! i hope you all are doing alright. okay so this chapter is my pride and joy it's a lot longer than the others because i got super into it (also i was procrastinating school work) but there is drug and (more) alcohol abuse as well as a panic attack so just a heads up  
> stay beautiful

The sun has already been bearing down on Los Angeles for hours before Ryan cracks his eyes for the first time. As the sunlight invades his vision, Ryan feels the beginning of a high school marching band begin to play in his temples. As if the head splitting hangover wasn’t bad enough, every memory from the night before comes spilling back into his consciousness. His eyes snap open and he suddenly feels disgusted with himself. Brendon’s touch still burns his skin. He can feel every place Brendon had kissed him in his drunken idiocy. He face suddenly feels hot. _‘I couldn't….’_  Ryan laughs to himself.         

He can’t deny the hurt that catches in the back of his throat at that moment. Ryan swings his legs over his bed, stepping in something wet. Without even looking, the realization hits him that at some point last night he had vomited on his floor. _‘Ross, you’re a mess,’_ Ryan knows he can’t keep self-destructing, but he can’t find the motivation to try when it feels like nothing is ever going to change. While carefully avoiding his own stomach contents, Ryan makes his way to the bathroom, where he is already certain unhappiness and regret will meet him in the mirror. As Ryan inspects himself, all he sees is a shell of his former self.

Before pushing off from the sink, Ryan splashes cold water onto his redden-unshaven face to shake off the remnants of sleep. Taking one final glance in the mirror, he sighs to himself and accepts his defeat. Shuffling out of the bathroom, he makes his way to the darkened living room and plops himself down onto the couch. Scanning his apartment, Ryan takes in the sparse, disheveled room feeling its coldness and wishing that there was something to fill the void. He feels his heart growing heavier and heavier as he spends more time just sitting, thinking about his life in absolute shambles. He sinks deeper into the plush sofa and props his feet onto the solid, oak coffee table and stares into the blank television. His eyes drift from the TV to a small black box sitting on a shelf of the TV stand. Its contents boring a hole into Ryan’s mind, its promise of an escape. Pondering for a moment about the consequences, Ryan decides to give into the desire because he really can’t hit rock bottom any harder. Grudgingly, he pulls himself off the couch and gently grabs the box, as if shaking it would cause massive destruction. Ryan sits back down, box in hand, and stares at it, finalizing his decision about going through with this. _‘Fuck it,’_ he thinks once again and opens the box revealing its contents. Neatly placed inside, he finds a small bag of weed, rolling paper, and a lighter. He takes a piece of paper out and opens the bag of weed, putting some of it onto the paper and rolls a good sized joint. He grabs the lighter before closing the box and putting it back into its original place under the TV. Sitting back down, he becomes lost his thoughts just staring at the joint held between his index and middle fingers. With a sigh, he strikes the lighter and lights up the joint. He brings it to his lips and inhales deeply, holding the smoke in for a few moments before exhaling the smoke through his nose. He takes another hit and blows smoke rings on the exhale. Ryan watches the smoke dissipate into the air and is pulled back into his memories. One in particular continues to override the others and finally Ryan just gives into the fight and allows it to play in his consciousness.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

_‘Today was the worst day of my fucking life,’_ Ryan remembered thinking to himself. He had just gotten back from a meeting with Brendon. The final meeting Panic! at the Disco would have as the original band.

In itself, the meeting wasn’t full of drama but it was just awkward and quiet. Spencer and Jon knew the real reason of the split no matter how many times Brendon and Ryan tried to convince them it was just about creative differences. Spencer looked at both of them with a cocked eyebrow and a sad smile on his face. He never expected the band to split over a love affair. Everyone talked without raising any voices, and the rest of the meeting went by with an empty feeling. Everyone felt heavy-hearted with the band’s split, but none would admit it. At the end of the meeting, Brendon and Ryan rose and shook hands, and with that, Ryan and Jon walked out of the room and didn’t look back.

Immediately after leaving the room, Ryan used every ounce of his willpower not to break down in front of Jon. Ryan could feel Jon’s eyes boring into the side of his face, but Ryan couldn’t face him because he would probably start sobbing. He needed to maintain the lie it wasn’t a love affair that ruined the best thing in his life, Panic!.

In the crisp night air outside the hotel where the band met, Ryan faced Jon but continued to look at his feet, “I’m going to get a drink. I’ll meet up with you tomorrow.” Before Jon could reply, Ryan turned on his heels and headed for the nearest bar.

When he entered the bar, a slow song had just begun over the speakers and it penetrated so deeply into Ryan’s heart that he went straight for the bathroom. He didn’t want to be seen crying alone in a bar. He pushed into the open bathroom stall and collapsed onto the cold, tile floor, not caring about the dirt, grime, and god knows what else contaminating the floor. Ryan must have sat there for about ten minutes just sobbing himself into a frenzy and eventually into a mild panic attack. Ryan’s chest was so tight and he couldn’t get any air into his lungs. He pulled his knees to his chest and began to rock back and forth while wheezing and fighting for breath. Digging his nails into the palm of his hands, he finally was able to bring a sharp breath of air into his lungs. Ryan sat there for a few more minutes trying to even out his breathing before leaving the bathroom stall. Luckily, no one else was in the bathroom with him.

With his breathing finally returning to normal, Ryan picked himself off the dingy ground, opened the stall, and headed towards the sink. He lifted his face to the mirror and he could barely recognize the pair of eyes looking back at him. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, and the rest of his face reddened with tear streaks cascading down his cheeks. He opened the cold tap and bent his face down to the sink to splash the cool water on his heated, tear-stained face. Taking one final glance into the mirror, Ryan trudged out of the bathroom and headed straight for the bar.

“I want the strongest drink you got and keep ‘em coming,” Ryan told the bartender. Ryan sat in the same barstool for about an hour downing drink after drink. He probably had about ten, but he lost count after the fourth. He turned to the bartender in his drunken state and asked, “Do you know where I can get something to, ya know, calm me down?” He brought his fingers up to his lips like he was smoking an imaginary joint while he slurred out the question. The bartender simply laughed and nodded, acting as though he got that question on a daily basis. He brought Ryan into a back room of the bar and took down a box. When the bartender opened the box, there was an array of drugs, from the mild stuff like weed to crystal meth. Ryan’s pupils blew in shock. He thought about it for a moment and decided on some coke and weed. He paid for the goods and left, finding a cheap motel to stay the night and get even more shit-faced.

 Ryan collapsed sideways on the bed in his cheap motel room. The comforter felt rough and scratchy against his skin and the room smelled extremely musty, like it was recently flooded and was growing mold at a steady pace. At the time, Ryan didn’t notice how gross this motel was, he was emotionally exhausted. He needed to get high before he lost control of his thoughts and started to reminisce, which would just make him feel worse. He decided to start with the coke, he needed the energy boost it would give him. He rolled over to the nightstand and cleared enough room to make some thin lines of the beautifully white drug. Ryan dug around in his wallet to find a dollar bill and he rolled it into a tub in order to better snort the drug currently screaming his name. He put the rolled dollar just above the first line, with the other end of the dollar touching his right nostril and inhaled the first line. It hit his bloodstream almost immediately and his mind felt like it was just blown. His pupils expanded. He did the rest of the bag before falling back onto the bed. Now it was time for the weed, and time to be brought into a comfortably numb state. He took out the small bag of pot and rolled up a joint with a piece of paper from the nightstand notepad. He knew it wasn’t going to as good as rolling paper, but he didn’t have any on him so he was just getting creative. He make one huge joint with all the pot in the bag. Once it was shoddily rolled due to his high state, Ryan lit the joint and brought it to his lips. He inhaled the smoke with satisfaction. He smoked it down to the roach and closed his eyes. Finally reaching the state he’d been longing to reach since leaving the meeting. He laid sideways on the probably semen stained comforter and allowed sleep to take over.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

Ryan is pulled out his horrible flashback with a quick, loud ding. He ruffles through his couch cushions to find his cellphone. He illuminates the screen and instantly draws a sharp breath of regret and surprise. **Brendon Urie: iMessage.**

“Fuck,” Ryan says outloud. He unlocks his phone and opens the Message app to read the message.

_‘hey i think we should talk.’_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are so cool


	5. We Aren't So Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY THIS WASNT POSTED LAST NIGHT LIFE GOT IN THE WAY

Brendon’s house nestled back in some California palms looks almost animalistic with its white walls and maroon door. Although its quaintness is not as impressive as some of the homes gracing the Los Angeles mountainside, to Ryan, it’s so incredibly intimidating. As he sits in his car feeling his heartbeat and his hands shake, he prepares himself for what lies behind its front doors.

Finally, with a deep breath, Ryan pushes open his car door and trudges up to the main entrance. He runs his hands through his shaggy-ing hair, trying to calm the tension in his chest. He knows that this meeting is inevitable, but his self preservation mentality is screaming for him to turn and run as fast as possible to the comfort of his seclusion.

Facing the door, Ryan tightly closes his eyes and gingerly knocks on the door. He takes a few more deep breaths so he doesn’t break down from his anxiety and opens his eyes right as Sarah swings the door open.

“Ryan!” Sarah exclaims with raised eyebrows. Brendon apparently didn’t convey to his wife that his ex-lover was stopping over for a nice chat. Sarah stood in the doorway of her home blocking the entrance with her body in an almost defensive stance from the intruder, Ryan. She stood without saying another word with a quizzical look glued to her face, waiting for Ryan to explain the reason for his presence.

“Uh hi Sarah,” Ryan says meekly, eyes diverting quickly to his feet. “Is Brendon here? He told me to come by so we could talk,” Ryan’s hand makes it way to the back of his neck as he dares to make eye contact with Sarah.

“No I’m sorry he’s not,” Sarah replies expelling an air of awkwardness between the two. Feeling the tension starting to build Sarah continues, “Dallon called him into the studio at the last minute to put some finishing touches on a new song for the album.”

“Oh okay. Sorry to bother you then,” Ryan mumbles as he turns to head back for his car. ‘ _I knew this was a fucking mistake_ ,’ he thinks to himself as he starts his walk of shame back to his car only to be pulled from his thoughts by Sarah.

“Ryan you are more than welcome to hang out here until he gets back. He should be back pretty soon,” Sarah offers, removing herself from the doorway to invite him inside.

He thinks about the offer for a few seconds because he really hates being put into awkward situations and this would be the definition of an awkward situation. However, he agrees and turns to smile at Sarah as he enters Brendon’s house.

**************************************************************************************************************

The white walls of Brendon’s house appear even whiter from the rays of sunshine coming in through the massive windows. Littering the walls are framed photos of Brendon and Sarah’s wedding. Ryan notices how beautiful and happy they both look, Brendon’s eyes crinkled from a smile. Next to their wedding photos are photos of their dogs, Penny Lane and Bogart. The photos are like the ones that would be hanging in a family’s home of their children. The dogs’ faces smushed between Sarah and Brendon’s cheeks.

While looking at the photos, Ryan is overcome by a wave of sadness and jealousy. He suddenly feels robbed. He thinks that it would be him in those pictures, marrying Brendon and posing with their dogs. The jealousy turns into a rage towards Sarah for being the one that finally won Brendon’s heart.

Ryan knees suddenly feel weak. In an attempt to not collapse in a puddle of his own ‘could-have-been’ thoughts, he crumbles onto the nearest couch. Sarah follows Ryan’s lead and sits down with a sigh on the opposite couch. She looks towards Ryan and notices that he has become a nervous wreck. He’s bouncing his knee and he’s chewing on his bottom lip. Sarah looks at Ryan with a soft, sad glance. Inhaling for strength she mutters, “Ryan, it’s ok. I know.”

Ryan’s breath catches in his throat, “How?”

“Brendon told me that night, Ryan, you left him a wreck,” Sarah says while leaning back into the couch cushions, making herself comfortable. She looks at Ryan and begins to tell the story. “When I got back from getting more liquor with Zack, I wandered all around Pete’s house looking for Brendon. I finally found him in that bedroom and he was just sitting there. He was just sitting on the bed, staring off into space. He didn’t even notice when I walked into the room and stood in front of him. I had to shake his shoulders just to get his attention. His eyes were blank like two voids. The moment I sat next to him the tears came. Ryan, he said nothing for the longest time and just cried. When he finally stopped sobbing, all I could make out was your name.”

Ryan could feel his eyes widen on his face. A slight hint of guilt hit Ryan and before his thoughts and emotions got the better of him he whispered, “Can I have some water?” Only slightly embarrassed by his quivering voice, he watched Sarah walk slowly to the kitchen. Ryan racing thoughts were interrupted by Sarah’s phone vibrating on the wood coffee table where it sat. Glancing at the illuminated screen, Ryan is taken aback by what he read:

**Zack Hall iMessage:** _baby i need you_


	6. The Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends

Ryan blinks. _‘Am I hallucinating?’_ he thinks to himself. He looks over his shoulder into the kitchen to make sure Sarah wasn’t coming back anytime soon. She was just getting the cups out of the cabinet so Ryan has some time to check the message again.

He feels really weird about looking at Sarah’s phone, but his curiosity is greater than his regard for social norms. He leans over the coffee table and presses the home button on her phone. He watches in shock as the message he thought he saw still comes up on her phone, **Zack Hall iMessage** : _baby i need you._ ‘ _What the actual fuck? Holy shit,_ ’ Ryan thinks to himself as he leans back on the couch. A rush of questions flash through Ryan’s head at lightning fast speed. ‘ _Is Sarah cheating on Brendon with Zack?! What does Zack have that Brendon doesn’t? How long has this been going on? Does Brendon know?_ ’ the last one floats in Ryan’s head the longest.

Sarah’s approaching footfalls bring Ryan out of his racing thoughts. She smiles at him as she hands him the glass of water and sits back down on her couch. Ryan takes the glass with a shaky hand and looks at her with widened eyes.

In an effort not to scream the questions he has in his mind, he immediately brings the glass to his lips. He lets the cool water pass through his lips and pays close attention to the way the water moves down his throat, making sure the water drowns the questions that are climbing their way up his throat. Sarah notices Ryan’s change in demeanor and gives him a questioning look, and is about to ask him what happened when she’s distracted by her phone lighting up. She glances to her phone to see the same message that Ryan saw. Everything clicks into place for her now.

_‘Fuck! Ryan must have seen,’_ Sarah thinks to herself as she begins to break into a cold sweat.

“Now Ryan, let me explain,” Sarah begins,

“No!” Ryan exclaims and stands up violently, suddenly enraged with anger and hatred towards Sarah. He towers over the coffee table between the two of them, “How the fuck could you do such a thing to Brendon? He loves you so much and you’re just throwing it all away with Zack! Brendon’s fucking friend!” He walks towards the sliding glass doors that open up to the patio and pool area where Brendon’s always having pool parties. Ryan leans his forehead against the glass and he hears quiet sobbing. He turns back towards Sarah, suddenly aware that he had no right to attack her like that. “Oh god, Sarah. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I shouldn’t have. It’s really none of my business,” Ryan says as he walks quickly towards Sarah and the couch and sits down next to her. He puts his arm around her shuddering shoulders and pulls her close to his chest.

“Ry-Ryan, I fucked up so hard,” Sarah sniffles out. She sobs even harder and buries her face into Ryan’s chest. He doesn’t know why he suddenly feels the urge to comfort her, even though she’s the one that caused such a mess.

“Shhh it’s okay,” he whispers and plants a kiss on the top of her head. He continues to let her cry, until her sobs are no longer audible. He pushes her gently from his chest so he can look into her eyes.

“Sarah, come on let’s talk,” Ryan speaks softly to Sarah. “Let’s start easy. When did it begin?”

“It just kind of happened one night. Brendon and I had got into a huge fight over him spending so much time in the studio. Zack overheard the fight and came in to check on me after Brendon left. He was crazy that night, Ryan. He punched a hole in the hotel room wall and smashed the TV. Zack was really just concerned for me. He bought a bottle of wine for me and some beer for himself. It started just as venting, but as the alcohol started to blur my thoughts, things started to get more intimate. Then he kissed me. That was six months ago.”

Ryan is quiet at first, letting Sarah’s story sink in, “Wow, six months. Does Brendon know?”

A tear rolls down Sarah’s cheek while shaking her head no. “It has been easy to continue the affair with Brendon busy writing and recording the new album. I am not proud of what I am doing Ryan.”  

“Then why? Are you and Brendon not happy?” Ryan pauses not sure how he wants Sarah to answer. Maybe some sick side of him wants them to be miserable, so he’s not the only one living in his own angst. _‘How terribly petty.’_ Sarah’s soft voice cuts the silence Ryan’s question has created.

“We are happy for the most part. I love waking up to him and spending my days with him, but at night when we’re alone things change. When we’re together he goes through the motions of everything he thinks I want, but it’s almost like it’s forced for him. Sometimes he just stares into space like he’s missing something or someone. A wife shouldn’t feel like that when they’re making love to their husband.”

Ryan is silent for a minute, thinking about something useful to say, but nothing comes to him. He just stares at Sarah begging for her to break the tension, but just as Ryan is going to say something cliché, when his head snaps to the door unlocking. _‘O shit Brendon is home.’_

Brendon stops abruptly in the doorway, dropping his key on the table near the entrance. “What the fuck is going on?”

Ryan vomits a string of words as quickly has he can get them out. “Brendon. Hey. Sorry. Yeah. Um. I. Just. Fuck.”

Of all the people Ryan could think of to save him in this type of situation, Sarah’s not on that list. However, she’s the one that cuts in, “Brendon, I was just reminiscing with Ryan while he was waiting on you. You boys stay out of trouble,” With a casual smile, Sarah leaves the room as though nothing was awkward about the situation.

Brendon replaces Sarah on the couch, looking woefully at Ryan. “Ryan, we really need to talk.”

 


	7. Rollercoaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was a day late  
> life is difficult and doesn't realize that fanfiction is more important

He looked good, but Brendon had always looked good. He always had a way to look beautiful even at his worse. Ryan watched as Brendon exhales, taking his sunglasses off.

“Do you want to smoke before we do this?” Ryan just stared lifelessly at Brendon's lips moving with every breath and word he took.

“Sure, I guess,” Ryan mumbles in reply, feeling incredibly awkward. Brendon flashes Ryan his dazzling smile and reaches into his pocket, revealing an already rolled joint.

As Brendon lights and inhales the joint, he says, “So the other night…” Brendon takes another hit, passing it to Ryan and continues, “I wish I could say I was really sorry, but I meant everything I did and said that night,” Ryan takes a breath about to begin stumbling over words and making up some nonsense when Brendon suddenly moves. Before Ryan makes sense of Brendon’s movements, he is sitting close to him on the couch looking at him with a new expression.

Ryan focuses almost feeling his pupils dilating, “Brendon, um, what are you doing?” Brendon seems to think for a moment, weighing his options and responses, cracking a smile that didn’t truly reach his eye he sighs, “I wanted to be with you that night Ryan, to touch you and to hold you. Like we used to. It didn’t matter that you were drunk and that I was taking advantage. I just wanted you. I guess the only thing I am sorry about is that you said no.” All Ryan can muster is a shaky breath and Brendon’s name on his lips. He just stares at this man that had torn his still beating heart out of chest all those years ago, and suddenly Ryan’s angry.

“Brendon, do you really think that low of me to think I would just fuck you after everything you did? Also, you’re married if you haven’t forgotten. You might think I’m a low life, but I do have morals and some self-esteem left.” Brendon’s face drops as he moves slightly away from Ryan, looking like a beaten puppy. Brendon just slouches deeper into the couch and falls silent, studying the coffee table.

“I understand if you hate me,Ryan. If that is the case, maybe your should just leave,” Brendon says without looking at Ryan, eyes still blankly locked onto the coffee table.  As Ryan stands without a word or a look into Brendon direction, he feels a soft hand lace into his own and gently pull him down. Ryan knows where it might be headed, but he lets Brendon pull him down. As Ryan lands back onto the couch, Brendon’s other hand runs up the back of his neck and up into his soft, loose curls. Brendon’s lips are on his. They are exactly as Ryan remembers them, soft and full but with a darkness behind them like every kiss might be the last one they share. For the first time, Ryan kisses back, letting himself get lost in Brendon’s mouth. Ryan lets his own hands travel up Brendon shirted back, wishing to feel his skin, but Ryan just grabs onto Brendons shirt feeling every inch of the kiss as they continue to make out like two high school seniors at prom. Brendon breaks the kiss, resting his forehead onto Ryan’s. All he says is, “Do you want to see the studio out back?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i know it's a little short and i apologize so hard and as an apology next chapter is gonna be ;))))))))))))))


	8. The Studio Has Always Been the Most Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here you go lovelies
> 
> hehehehe

Ryan’s heart is hammering in his chest, although he is struggling to find if it’s cause is from a building panic attack or from the anticipation growing in the pit of his stomach. As Brendon typed the code into the home security keypad on the door of his studio, Ryan watches his fingers move over the dials remembering how they felt on him. They were always callused and rough from playing the guitar, his nails always short for the piano, but when Brendon would touch Ryan, all those years ago, in his blacked out bunk on the tour bus, his touch was always velvety soft. Brendon turned as he opened the door with a crooked smile, catching Ryan’s wandering eyes and lightly flushed cheeks. His smile widened a bit like they had never stopped running off together. The room is musty and dark as they first enter. Ryan feels Brendon brush past him, his arm tingling at the touch, as he goes to turn on the A/C and lights. As Ryan’s eyes adjust to the changing light, he looks around the newly built studio. The entire room screams Brendon from the multiple guitars lined the walls to the framed gold records and vinyls. One shiny record in particular catches his eye. The burgundy album cover with the distorted seated bodies under their old Panic! at the Disco title is nestled in a black frame next to a shiny gold record. Ryan is so consumed with in nostalgia he doesn’t at first notice Brendon’s hands creep around his waist and his chin rest on his shoulder.

“I miss this, I miss us,” Brendon’s voice is so low, it took Ryan a moment to process what was actually said.

“Brendon, we shouldn’t do this. You. Sarah. I don’t want to be a homewrecker. You love her, you’re married,” Ryan could feel his voice crack over Sarah’s name. Brendon’s lips run slowly up Ryan’s neck leaving light kisses and pauses at his ear.

“Ryan, please don’t say ‘no’ to this. I just can’t walk away from this right now. Please.” Ryan feels Brendon’s eyelashes tickle his neck as Brendon closes his eyes. Ryan slowly turns into Brendon’s arms, looking into his eyes trying to read if there is any caution. All Ryan can see is lust, but there is some sadness in them also.

“Brendon, why…” but before Ryan can say anything or question why Brendon needed this so badly. He is very curious and concerned about the sadness lurking behind his beautiful eyes, but is interrupted because Brendon is kissing him. His kiss is soft, almost giving. This is a kiss Ryan has never experienced with Brendon. Desperate kisses, yes. Dominate kisses, yes. This new soft and giving kiss, never. Ryan is lost. There is no going back after a kiss like that, _‘You're going to regret this you idiot. Do you really fucking care at this moment? You will care, but not now,'_ That was the last semi-coherent thought Ryan made before it was all about Brendon.

“Too many clothes, Ryan. Off.” Brendon whispers airily into Ryan’s ear, tugging at Ryan’s shirt. Brendon’s lips are reddened and swollen. Ryan lets Brendon fingers slip under the hem of his shirt, Brendon’s fingers gently grazing Ryan’s stomach in the process, pulling it over his head. Brendon doesn’t wait for Ryan to follow suit, he before he tears off his own shirt. Brendon locks eyes with Ryan and crashes their lips together while pushing Ryan against the wall. The wall was hard and Ryan was sure their old album frame was digging into his skull, but that didn’t matter. The kisses were becoming deeper and each one backed by more passion and longing. But all of a sudden, Brendon sharply pulls back.

“Just stand here, ok. Let me just….do this,” Before, Ryan could question what the hell Brendon was talking about, he felt the other man’s fingers running over the top of his own jeans. Ryan hears his belt buckle clasps clink together as they are loosened and his button and zipper undone. Ryan can feel his chest grow so tight that he swears a heart attack is inevitable. Ryan feels his pants slip loose of his hips and hears them land on the floor in a soft plop and Brendon’s knees join them on the floor almost immediately. Brendon slowly rubs his hands up the insides of Ryan’s thighs, planting light kisses into the smooth skin on his path up to Ryan’s already hard cock.

“Jesus, Brendon...just… please,” Ryan breathily pleads. Ryan almost didn’t recognized his own voice it was so full of lust and longing. Ryan meets Brendon’s eyes and while never breaking that contact, Brendon slips Ryan into his mouth with a smile. “Oh fuck,” Ryan chokes out, fully infatuated by Brendon. Ryan plunges his hand into Brendon’s hair, not pushing or guiding him, just resting it there, enjoying the feeling of his fingers being tangled in Brendon’s soft, blackish hair. As Ryan glances down at Brendon’s bobbing head, the sensation is just too much, seeing Brendon’s mouth stretched tight over his dick was just overwhelming. “Brendon, shit. I’m gonna fucking cum,” Brendon says nothing but smiles and speeds up a little. Ryan feels the overwhelming tightness build in his gut. Before he can warn Brendon again, he has spilled everything he has into the other man’s mouth. Ryan’s breathing is so heavy he can hardly say anything. Brendon pulls him down the floor with him, “Shit. Brendon. That was kind of embarrassing. Sorry. I just couldn’t,” Brendon cuts him off with a lazy yet deep kiss.

“It was perfect, Ryan” was all Brendon says while wrapping Ryan up in his arms. 


	9. Take Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all had a nice weekend

“Brendon,” Ryan sighs, resting his head on Brendon’s bare chest. They sit nestled on the floor of Brendon’s state-of-the-art studio, Ryan wrapped inside of Brendon’s embrace. Ryan’s eyes become heavy with fatigue, but he wants Brendon again. He wants him so badly. Ryan wants to make Brendon feel as good as Brendon made him. Ryan turns around in Brendon’s arms to look him in his eyes. He stares at Brendon’s perfect face, eyes falling to his strong jawline that could go on for days. _‘Wow. He’s so perfect,’_ Ryan thinks to himself as his eyes continue to trace Brendon’s face. He stares the longest at his lips. Brendon’s lips still red from their recent make out and just a tad plump.

“Take a picture, Ry. It’ll last longer,” Brendon says, breaking Ryan out of his enamoration.

“I wouldn’t be taking a picture of your face, sweetie,” Ryan retorts, moving his hand up Brendon’s thigh. “I can see your face anytime, but this,” Ryan says, grabbing Brendon’s already hardening dick, “I can only see while I’m with you.” With that, Ryan brings meet his lips with Brendon’s, rather clumsily, overcome with lust. Their teeth clink together, in a high pitch ting, but neither man cares. They both smile into the kiss because of the noise.

Ryan turns completely around in Brendon’s arms and straddles him. He loops his arms around Brendon’s neck, pulling him even closer. He can’t get close enough to this gorgeous man. Ryan’s hands move from around Brendon’s neck to the hemline of his skin tight jeans, which if they weren’t so tight, would have a major tent formed. Ryan’s hands trace Brendon’s well formed V. Visible goosebumps form on Brendon’s stomach, which Ryan kisses softly. He unbuttons Brendon’s pants and slowly pulls them down past his hips, painstaking slow, teasing him.

Brendon shifts further down the wall and stares at the ceiling, unable to even look at the man driving him absolutely insane. Ryan kisses down his stomach, but stops just before Brendon’s cock. Instead, he kisses back up his stomach to his navel and decides to drag his tongue back down his barely existent happy trail. The moans coming from Brendon’s mouth persuade Ryan to stop teasing him. Ryan licks around the base of Brendon’s shaft and then uses the flat of his tongue on the underside of Brendon’s length, making his way to his tip. Brendon is already leaking pre-come and Ryan licks up some that has slid down the top of his shaft.

“Oh fuck me,” Brendon says through tightly closed lips, trying to keep his moans of pleasure in check so as to not draw Sarah’s attention from the house.

“I will, don’t test me big boy,” Ryan replies, licking around the tip of his cock. He gradually inserts Brendon’s length into his mouth. He relaxes his throat and lets Brendon thrust up into his mouth. But then Ryan takes back control, bobbing his head back and forth, varying the amount his takes into his mouth with each movement. Brendon’s fingers are wrapped in Ryan’s hair and are directing Ryan’s movements.

“Oh god,” Brendon exclaims, “Fuck Ry, I’m almost there.” He pulls hard on Ryan’s hair and Ryan moans around Brendon’s length, sending the reverberations up Brendon’s spine. With that Brendon cannot hold on any longer and comes down Ryan’s throat and Ryan gladly accepts all of it and swallows without a thought. He makes eye contact with Brendon as he licks some of it that trickled out of his mouth and licks off some that remains on Brendon. “Wow, you’ve improved,” Brendon says with a chuckle.

“Fuck off,” Ryan smiles and presses their lips together. Their moment of bliss is interrupted by the sound of shoes clicking on the concrete outside and humming.

“Oh fuck, shit, fuck. That’s Sarah,” Brendon says, standing abruptly and pulling Ryan up with him. He tosses Ryan what clothes are lying around the room and both attempt to dress in a hurry.

As they hear the doorknob turn, they quickly run to the computer and Brendon sits down in the chair, with Ryan leaning over his shoulder looking at the screen. Brendon quickly brings up a video of a live show from a recent Twenty One Pilots concert of Tyler climbing the side of the stage, attempting to look as innocent as possible.

Ryan takes a deep breath and tries to maintain his composure as Sarah opens the door to the studio, letting the bright sunshine in along with her. “Hello boys!” she says cheerily, “Are we having fun in here?” She sounds just like a mom coming in with snacks.

Both men turn and face her with smiles plastered on their faces. “Yeah we are. Thanks babe,” Brendon replies. Ryan cringes internally at the pet name, feeling a twinge of jealousy.

“Alrighty, well I was just coming to get you Brendon. Remember we have a dinner to go to tonight,” Sarah says turning on her heels.

Once both men hear the main house door click shut, they turn towards each other and burst out laughing. “You’re fucking shirt is inside out,” Brendon manages to tell Ryan in between bouts of laughter. Ryan feels so happy in this moment, just laughing about almost being caught by Brendon’s wife and having his shirt on inside out.

“I’ll let you go and get ready for dinner. This,” Ryan says waving his arms around the studio, “Was amazing.” Ryan suddenly feels awkward because he wants to ask if Brendon will text him and they’ll meet up again, but doesn’t know how to broach the subject.

“It really was. I missed you,” Brendon replies with a genuine smile. Ryan smiles back and goes to leave the studio. Halfway through the door, Brendon calls after him, “Oh and hey, don’t worry. I’ll text you and we’ll definitely meet up again.”

Ryan chuckles to himself and walks out into the California sunshine, feeling the most content he’s felt in a long while.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading it means a lot   
> it makes my heart happy  
> my crops are flourishing


	10. Let Them Smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY THAT IT'S BEEN FOREVER PLEASE FORGIVE US THIS IS LIKE A FILLER BUT AS THIS IS BEING POSTED IM WRITING THE NEXT CHAPTER MUCH LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

The leather seat sighs with Ryan’s body weight and Ryan looks at Brendon’s house in front of him over the steering wheel. A smile slowly creeps onto his face and, for the first time in awhile, he lets it. He lets himself feel genuinely happy and warm and almost loved. He knows it isn’t love but just for a moment, he lets himself sink into the old memories, the good ones, where it felt almost like love. 

He begins to chuckle to himself.  _ I’m being stupid _ , he thinks, but he can’t stop smiling. He brings his hands to his face hiding his smile. 

After a few moments, Ryan goes to start his car when his butt vibrates. He turns the key in the ignition since he’s started to roast in the California sun. The car roars to life beneath him as he gets blasted by cool air from the vents. His music begins to play over his speakers, a Beatles tune. 

Ryan looks at his phone and that smile from before is glued back onto his face.  **Brendon Urie: iMessage:**

_ ‘i miss you already’ _

Ryan is practically screaming internally. His face is starting to hurt from smiling.

**Ryan** :  _ you know you’re texting me and not sarah right? _

**Brendon** :  _ lol of course ry-ry bear _

**Ryan** :  _ don’t call me that _

_           you’re not allowed to call me that until after… _

_           you know ;) _

**Brendon** :  _ don’t tempt me _

_                ill make sure it happens _

**Ryan** : _ oh please do _

**Brendon** :  _ do you want a reminder of your new friend? _

**Ryan** :  _ my new friend???? what in the fuck do you mean _

“Oh my,” Ryan says audibly. Gracing his phone screen is Brendon’s cock, semi-erect.  _ It’s only been like 15 minutes since we last finished _ , Ryan thought to himself, but he was in no place to judge. His cock was growing harder the longer he continued to look at Brendon’s.

**Ryan** : _ oh yes that is my new friend _

_           i miss him already _

_           does my new friend want to play with your new friend? _

With that, Ryan sends a dick pic to Brendon of his almost fully erect cock leaning up against his steering wheel. He laughs to himself as he sends it and then sends a picture of Brendon’s house still in front of him. 

**Ryan** :  _ i haven’t even left yet and youre making me want come back in _

_           oh in your house too ;) _

**Brendon** :  _ jesus christ i can’t fucking wait to see you again _

_                you’re already making a home in my mind _

_                i gotta go sarah’s calling me _

_                bye sweet cheeks _

Ryan smiles to himself and laughs as he finally pulls out of Brendon’s driveway. He can hardly believe this is happening. 


End file.
